A shine complex.

Wanting another's success over my own and how that's not working

So, some big revelatory news to give you context on this new complex I have discovered I suffer from. Don’t freak out and for goodness sake, do not attack me with attention, please.

But I got engaged and told almost no one.

That is piece #1 on how I discovered I have a fundamental difficulty with letting my joys and successes be welcomed and celebrated.

Then I brought my mom along for this “joke of a venture” to try on wedding dresses. I kid you not, when I say that I had every mocking, unserious intention to go into these bridal shops and feast my eyes on the offerings of an industry that I think to be preposterous.

Sorry to say if you’re a wedding loving gal, this is merely my belief as a hippy dippy, attention-rejecting, grub-identifying girl.

That is piece #2 on how I understood that I have a sore spot somewhere in my core, operating from the belief, that I prefer to witness and encourage the shiny success of others more than I am willing to let myself unapologetically prosper.

Bonus piece #3 to further denote my foundational dislike for my own success,
I STILL get hot and bothered from the discomfort of being recognized as a lululemon ambassador because how DARE I, be the chosen one when there are so many other incredible teachers in the community.

ugh.

What a silly willy privilege to have. What silly willy shame to hold over such a large and joyous compliment and role in Niagara. And here I am, 3 years in and still cringing and schrumping my shoulders forward anytime one of my yoga students comes to class and whispers “I saw your beautiful photo when I went into the #pclululemon the other day”.

This write up wasn’t an intention to cry wolf on the subject of my own problems acknowledging my worth but whatdayaknow, it has totally morphed into that.

Let me steer right and get us on the proper track of extracting a valuable something or other.

So, A SHINE COMPLEX.
What IS that, even?

If it is something legitimate, I am not describing that.

By my personal definition and experience, a shine complex is what I am understanding to be ‘a challenge in accepting one’s own brilliance to the point of denying one’s own celebration’

Now that my relative inability to receive celebration or success has been named, what is one to do? It is time to dig deeper and process the emotions interwoven into depths of this complex of mine.

Enters in, Byron Katie and The Work

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

I will leave it to your intelligent, discerning self to look into this authors teachings and share that this process brought to you by Byron Katie, changed my life for the better, approximately 4 years back. This simple list of 4 questions provides quite the opportunity to blast unconscious and self-limiting beliefs straight out of one’s 3D reality if you so allow it.

I applied this process to the whole “why won’t you tell the public you got engaged to the love of your life” AND “why won’t you just SHUSH and let your loving mother buy you the most stunning and authentic wedding dress”.

What I discovered from this little journal therapy session with me and me:

• From the time of being a competitive figure skater, have I been wishing for the success of others more than mine because what I think and what I see of others, warrants more points and more success than what I see and think of my own self and skills

• This belief has me appear humble but what it truly depicts is lack of self-worth

• This belief causes me to believe in others before myself

• I am so uncomfortable in the limelight, that I would rather shine the light anywhere else but on me

• That feeling good is fine but sharing how good I feel, will make another person that doesn’t have all my joy, feel more contrast and more sadness instead of appreciative joy

What I now know, after blasting my rotting and untrue self-limiting beliefs:

• I can not possibly know or confirm that sharing my joy, celebration or success makes someone feel less worthy or less joyful

• When I really acknowledge this self-limiting belief that I am not good enough to shine and be shared, I feel sad for the part of me that can’t be happy for me because it’s more concerned with how someone might respond to my brilliance

• If I live without this belief that I shouldn’t be the shiny one, sharing good energy and good news, I would be unapologetically radiant and infectious

• I would and could be the most contagious joy and light bearer

OK, now you try.

Take some reflective time to discover and determine which of your limiting-beliefs you would like to put to the process and see what comes of it yoga darling. It’s an invitation into the work, never an obligation. But consider that you have and always will, deserve your own devotional attention that brings you closer to your freedom and your peace.

And that is a wrap on my rampage over not feeling comfortable to shine.

Next step is telling my most loving Instagram network that I am so loved, I was proposed to and handling the influx of emojis and loving wishes.

Pray for me and my rewritten belief that I can and WILL allow myself to be celebrated and seen without envy or ill wishes and I’ll do the same for you sweet little peas of substack.

I like you, love you and thank you.
Any time you set your eyesight and bandwidth onto any of my musings or creations, the gratitude leaps out and throughout.

Mar xx